Sad Snax
"The taste of existential dread in every bite. Now with extra ennui!"
$8.99
The only snack clinically formulated to match your current emotional state. Tastes like regret. Pairs well with extended silence and the acceptance of corporate terms. Not responsible for mood contagion. Warranty void upon happiness.
Reality Layer
A real snack product. Actually quite good. The existential crisis is included at no extra charge and may be pre-existing. Production is underway — join the list and we'll reach out when this timeline's first run ships.
Production underway. We will reach out when this product achieves the will to be shipped.
Transmission pending. Stand by.
SKU: SDS-001
- Flavors
- Original Despair / Limited Edition: Quiet Resignation
- Net Weight
- 150g (it feels heavier)
- Calories
- Less than the emotional cost of eating them
- Allergens
- Contains wheat, soy, and an inescapable awareness of mortality
- Serving Suggestion
- Alone. Preferably at 2am. Near a window.
- Shelf Life
- 18 months. Unlike happiness.
- Sponsor
- Emotional Nutrition Lab — A Division of MEGA MEAL Corp
- Fine Print
- Not responsible for mood contagion. Warranty void upon happiness.
Do these actually taste sad?
They taste fine. The sadness is atmospheric. It comes from within. The snack is merely the occasion.
Are they healthy?
Relative to what? To joy? No. To nothing? Technically yes. Standard macro profile, nothing unusual in the formula.
Why aren't these available yet?
The production team is working through some things. Emotionally. The product is almost ready. The team is almost ready. These are different timelines.
Can I eat these at a party?
You can. We recommend against announcing what they are. Let the product do the work.
Are the flavors different?
Original Despair is savory-forward with a slightly bitter finish. Quiet Resignation is milder, with an absence of aftertaste that some reviewers have described as 'the real flavor.' Both are correct.
T. Graves, Amateur Nihilist
A Tuesday
Finally a snack brand that gets it. Gets me. Gets everything and finds it lacking. The crunch is loud enough to drown out my thoughts briefly. Four stars.
Dr. L. Voss, Therapist (Retired)
Professional Concern
I cannot in good conscience recommend a snack that lists 'enhanced melancholy' as a feature. They were, however, very crunchy. I ate the whole bag. Two stars for the concept, five stars for the execution. This review is a net two.
Repeat Customer
Every Week
I have bought these every week since they launched. I don't know why. Neither do they. That is the branding. It is working on me and I have made peace with that.
Office of Mood Compliance, Annual Review
Quarterly
Sad Snax remains the leading product in the Voluntary Emotional Suppression category. Sales are consistent with quarterly projections for a nation in gradual, orderly decline. Three stars. Meet again next quarter.