“This commercial aired across Qarnivor media networks approximately 5 years before the nuclear exchange between Pro-Spoon and Anti-Spoon factions. The uncanny resemblance between these advertised comfort companions and the entities that later emerged from the radioactive wasteland has been the subject of intense academic debate.
Whether the Snuggloids that appeared after the extinction event were manufactured products that somehow adapted to the radiation, manifestations of collective unconscious desires, or something else entirely remains one of the great mysteries of post-extinction Qarnivor.”

— Corporate Historical Archives, Recovered Media Division

HISTORICAL ARTIFACT: Pre-War Commercial Advertisement#

SNUGGLOIDS™ - Your Perfect Companion!

Product Features:

✓ Sentient and gentle
✓ Will not eat you
✓ 155 genders
✓ Bred in captivity
✓ Fully housebroken—usually
✓ Consumes 0.02% of electricity bill
✓ Speaks 37 languages, including whale

✓ Sheds glitter instead of fur
✓ Fits in any carry-on bag
✓ Sings lullabies in perfect harmony
✓ Doubles as hot water bottle
✓ Offers free emotional support for life
✓ Eats crumbs (no vacuuming needed)
✓ Loves interpretive dance

✓ Hypoallergenic (probably)
✓ Shares your favorite movie preferences
✓ Remembers your birthday forever
✓ Detects sarcasm
✓ Makes pancakes on Saturdays
✓ Vibrates when happy
✓ Approved by 9/10 interdimensional travelers

Legal Disclaimer:

This product is intended for entertainment purposes only and should not be used as a substitute for professional advice or treatment. Use only as directed. Side effects may vary and could include dizziness, fatigue, irrational euphoria, mild paranoia, spontaneous giggles, or in rare cases, anal leakage. Consult a physician before use if you are pregnant, nursing, or have a history of heart disease, kidney failure, or spontaneous combustion. Results may not be typical. Individual responses will vary. Do not use if the seal is broken or if you are currently under investigation by intergalactic authorities. Long-term use may result in blurred vision, reality distortion, or an overwhelming sense of existential dread. Always read the label and use caution when operating heavy machinery, inter-dimensional portals, or spacecraft. Warning: Failure to adhere to usage guidelines may void your warranty or result in unexpected interactions with parallel universes. Seek immediate medical attention if you experience prolonged confusion, sudden cravings for obscure fast food, or noticeable side effects like time dilation or quantum flux. This product is not responsible for damages incurred during time travel or while interfacing with alien technologies. If symptoms worsen, discontinue use and consult a qualified professional.

This commercial artifact is part of the Pre-Extinction Cultural Archives, preserving evidence of civilizations’ final expressions before their transformation into something altogether different.

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